Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Important reminders
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Today’s Times
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.