If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
R.I.P.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Bond. Trauma bond.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch