Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted