If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Order here:
More here:
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away