ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
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Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.