The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
tourist season
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.