People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
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Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
mom had nothing to worry about
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.