Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?