People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Battery falling down a hole
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.