Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
You Might Also Like
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
*checks Timeline*…
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
A choir of Spring onions
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.