MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.