How animals would run if they were human
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Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Smile they said.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword