People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
For the orator and chef in all of us
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Do not levitate over flowers
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
getting groceries
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok