No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Is….Is this an option?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.