I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.