The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Well, that should do it
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Finally!
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.