When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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describing stardew valley
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.