Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
This squirrel eats better than I do
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.