A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
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Stop making fast and furious movies.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I love you…
…r dog.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
stop
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”