One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom