Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.