Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.