THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’m good, thanks.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”