Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
🤣dope
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”