Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
You Might Also Like
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Breaking news:
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that