Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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incredible
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.