me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
This kinda thing happens to me often
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Worth the read.
doing some research
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-