I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.