“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Ah..makes sense now
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..