Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
You Might Also Like
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”