Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?