Yup.
You Might Also Like
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.