Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*