Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled