oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I want what they have
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?