What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips