[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?