I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?