[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you