I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
every college guy’s fridge
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
FRED: right
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.