Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.