[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Put a ring on it
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help