Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I see your IQ test came back negative