Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
when dads have a rap battle
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]