*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
You Might Also Like
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i鈥檓 joking
me: hi joking i鈥檓鈥擮H NO
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn鈥檛 drink Cabernet from a Pringle鈥檚 can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Wanna know what it鈥檚 like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it鈥檚 questions. And it never shuts off.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touch茅 kid
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should鈥檝e been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don鈥檛 know yours, rest assured that it鈥檚 not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…馃槴馃槴馃槴
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.