The three genders.
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
wut hotdog?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.