Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
uncle dave has been through hell
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”