[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
oppen heimer style lol
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
eating my hot dog hamburger style