Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.