My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
A woman drives into a bar.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
“Wait, let me explain..”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine